The one in which I tell you about my illness

And also a book I loved

Feeling

In late 2016 I got sick. Panic attacks were sprinkled into my constant fear, I couldn’t sleep, I had difficulty breathing, a horrible headache and excruciating stomach ache.  I felt unsafe all the time. I would say the worst part was trying to convince the doctor that there was something terribly wrong with me but the actual worst part was being scared all the time.

After my doctor examined me and told me that it “may all be in my mind” and after the triage nurse at the emergency department asked me if I suffered from any diagnosed mental illness it was left to my husband to diagnose me.

Turns out I had Trumpitis - a condition in which you are so spectacularly afraid of Donald Trump that you cease to be able to operate in a normal capacity.  I wasn’t the only one with this illness, most people around me had it to some degree, but I had a really severe case. Trump represented to me then, as he does now - everything I fear.

All these years later my husband, the diagnostician likes to tell me that I survived Trump’s presidency and can now see for myself that the world didn’t end. But my brain doesn’t speak logic and I fear that next time will be worse, because he is worse (Trump not my husband). 

Put it this way, this is not a good time for people with a Trump related illness… so I am trying to manifest Kamala Harris POTUS vibes and stick to light news.

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A post shared by @hicaitlinreilly

Reading

When you are avoiding getting another dose of Trumpitis it is hard not to pick up books that have on their cover “A gorgeous reminder that we are all a bit bonkers…” so it was that I picked up The Little Clothes by Deborah Callaghan.

Audrey is almost 40, she is a lawyer, only living offspring of her parents, single and childless. She is both completely unseen by the people around her and used by the people she works with - a delicate balance which Deborah Callaghan manages to achieve with a very light touch which almost masks the seriousness of the issues she covers in the book.

She is clearly rattled by something, she is scared, she drinks too much, she steals and she is buying clothes for a baby who does not exist. And while the book unravels what has made Audrey this way it also explores the world around her - her ex convict neighbour and his menacing dog (who I felt a little sad for but am known to be a bit over empathetic about animals) , the people in her trivia group and at the pub, the people she works with and her parents - all of whom we can relate to or at least recognise in some way.

It is a book about trauma that is handled with such grace and lightness I almost want to take Deborah out for a coffee and talk to her about my past.

When I tried to write my own manuscript I told my editor I didn’t want a conventional  happy ending where everything is tied in a bow and that’s exactly what Deborah has achieved and it works without being frustrating or disappointing.

I’m gong to think about this book for a long time and if I ever meet an “Audrey” I hope to show her the kindness she deserves.   

Eating

On Saturday night we went to a Japanese restaurant whose name I won’t mention because they had the tiniest portions you have ever seen. It was like eating out of one of this miniature kitchens you see on Instagram (see below) which is all well and good if you are scrolling but not if you are feeling hungry. Seriously the skewers which were ‘made for sharing’ came on a slightly larger than normal toothpick - and there was just one per plate. I smiled and ate and when I came home, I ate some more.

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A post shared by @realminiworld_

And this

Talking of Japan, even though we weren’t, my son just returned from a month in Japan. I can’t bore you with what a perfect human he is because he doesn't like it when I write about him, but adult children are THE BEST. Also he knows I like building things so he bought me this little kit to make which should be fun (once I have learned to read Japanese).

Thanks for reading till the end. Sending everyone calming Kamala vibes, happy reading and delicious eating.